Growing Up

I’ve been realizing that I need to let you guys in a little more. Tell you a little bit more about who I am and what my story is. I have two sisters, one older one younger, and I had a pretty typical childhood.

I grew up on Long Island and still have yet to live anywhere else.

Sometimes, over the summer we would go to Pennsylvania where we had this little house that my Grandpa had built. I have so many memories in that house. We used to go almost every year on the Fourth of July.

Sitting in the back of my dad’s pickup truck on a blow-up mattress, watching the fireworks between the mountains. I miss who I was then. I really had my shit together as a kid. All elementary school, I got straight A’s, played soccer, read books, the whole nine yards. I had many hobbies, at least that’s what my mom would say.

When my Grandpa passed away, my dad, aunt, and uncle had to sell the house.

But, I still remember those summers like it was yesterday. And even though we would only ever stay for a couple of days, it felt like forever.

But things weren’t always fun. Ever since I can remember my parents were “getting a divorce.” I think I was in 1st grade the first time I ever really heard them say it. My sisters and I used to refer to it as ‘the ritual’. Summer was always when things would get bad. September would be difficult but by Halloween, things eased up. And by Christmas, everything was always seemingly perfect. My birthday is December 20th so I always looked forward to Christmas a little extra than everybody else.

Growing up in the place that I did, it was always obvious to me that other kids had a little more and I had a little less.

I always had what I needed, but they always had what they wanted.

My parents gave us everything they ever could, but I was young and didn’t understand it all at the time. And now that I do, I wish I could go back to when I didn’t. I miss the younger me.

Sometimes I don’t know how to put it into words. I’m 21 years old and 12-year-old me seems so much smarter. I used to know exactly what I wanted and exactly how I was going to get it. Then again, the younger me wanted nothing more than to be 21. Because then I would be free.

But here we are.

One thing that I’ve learned is that, if life is going to be anything, it’s going to be ironic.

I’ve always sort of felt like I have a good relationship with the universe. Sometimes I’ll just be driving or sitting in my room and have this overwhelming feeling, kind of like there’s something watching me.

Like my future self is just watching me go through life, trying to remind me that it won’t be like this forever. One day I won’t be 21 anymore, one day I won’t be living in the house that I grew up in.

But despite having these realizations of how much time has gone by and how much has changed, it’s always been hard for me to live in the moment.

I’m always thinking about the future in some way or another. I’ve started to realize that 3 years ago all I wished for was to be where I am right now. 3 years ago I was living for right now, and right now I’m living for 3 years from now.

Is that always how it’s going to be for me?

I like to think that one day when I “make it”, that will all change. But really that all depends on what “making it” really means. I know it’s different for everyone and right now, for me, all it means is financial freedom. Freedom to do what I want, when I want, and with who I want. I try to think that if I just had that, I could shape the rest of the world around me to be whatever I wanted.

I always feel like I’m running out of time. Every birthday that passes where I haven’t attained this goal is just another year gone. I know this isn’t true though.

Everyone hopes for a life where all they have to do is “live in the now”. A life where at any given moment, they don’t need to think about the future and can relax and take in the present moment easily. For others, it’s not that easy.

I hate when people tell me to live in the now.

It’s not like I don’t get what they mean. Of course, I understand that we should slow down, appreciate what we have, live in the moment, be present, etc. But I think that goes without saying.

What if someone thinking about their future is exactly what they’re supposed to be doing. Daydreaming doesn’t mean you are not “here now”. Maybe for some people, their “now” is the hardest time in their life.

I know at some point I will look back and realize that everything I’ve worked towards was all worth it. But until then, I’m going to keep pushing myself, testing my own boundaries. Appreciating the good and working on the bad. All while living in the now.

Everyone is living in the now, but everyone’s ‘now’ looks different.

For me, I try to “live in the moment” as everyone says, but the thing is, I don’t like the moment. I wish things were different. I wish I had more. I wish I didn’t wish I had more. All people are ever saying is that you should be grateful for everything you have. And I am, I really am. I am happy that I’m me. I wouldn’t want to be anyone else.

But that doesn’t mean that sometimes I don’t wish I had what “they” have. I want to do so much and see so much.

When I say I want what they have, I don’t mean material things. I want their freedom.

The only thing I can hope for in the future is satisfaction. But either way, whenever I have these feelings, I know deep down that there is something watching me.

And I like to think that it’s the future me. Because I do think about the past a lot and I feel like, for the last couple of years, everything that I’ve done has been for “future me”. It’s like I’m constantly looking back on the things I’ve done, while constantly doing the things I’ll look back on.

It’s a weird feeling.

I guess that’s why sometimes I can’t even let myself get upset because I know one day I’ll look back and realize it was all happening for a reason. So anytime I start to doubt myself or think negatively about what’s to come, I feel like it’s a waste because it’s all eventually going to make sense. I gave this analogy to my sister the other day when we had gotten into a deep conversation about “the meaning of life.”

I told her that in my opinion, the universe is kind of like one of those really great mystery movies.

If anyone has ever seen something like Shuttersialnd or Interstellar, you’ll understand that throughout the entire movie, nobody really knows what is going on. But it’s supposed to be that way so that at the end when it all comes together, everyone is mind-blown and can leave saying how great of a movie it was. The movie is like art, it’s beautiful because at the end we see the whole purpose. We get the whole picture. It’s not like that here on earth.

The universe is the entire movie, and we are just one second.

We’re not supposed to understand the purpose. We’re not supposed to get the picture. And that’s the beauty of it all. It would be way too easy to sit here and say that “nothing matters”.

Nothing is that simple. We all have a purpose.

Each and every one of us does.

There is a reason for it all, we just might not be able to see it because we are only one second of the entire movie. What you have to remember is that every second counts for something.

Every second contributes to the beauty that is the ending.

This is pretty much where my mind goes every time I start to think negatively or get down on myself.

I start to realize that I need those doubtful moments and tears of wanting to give up so that at the end of it all, I realize it was all happening for a reason and I finally get the picture.

I know one day I’ll be 31 and no matter where I’m at in life, I’ll miss 21-year-old me. But truthfully, another part of me thinks it all just might work out. When I think back to those days in Pennsylvania, I’m just happy I have those memories.

I wouldn’t change a thing about it.

About any of it really.

I miss my younger self, but I also can’t wait until the day that I miss this version of me.

I like to imagine what it all could be like, kind of like imagining the coming attractions to the rest of your life.

And as for right now, I’ve never felt more lost in my entire life. I still live at home, with my two parents (who are finally signing the divorce papers), and my two sisters. It’s a lot quieter now compared to how it used to be when I was younger.

And like I said before, I don’t want to rush anything, but I can’t wait until I have my own house to decorate and all of the things that come with “adulting”.

But then the other side of my brain wakes up and reminds me that I soon as I do, I’ll miss this house.

The place I grew up in. The place that made me, me.