I am a cage, in search of a bird

Today is Sunday and I am currently sitting upstairs in my house reading my old childhood journals for inspiration.

The scary part is, I still sound just as crazy as I did when I was 6 years old.

As I read them though, it really does take me right back to that moment and I feel like I remember writing them. I used to start every single one with… Today is (insert day of the week), which is why I decided to bring that format back today.

I know one day I will re-read these blog posts with the same intentions. Inspiration.

I really want to post some of my old journal entries here to give you guys a little series of my old writing. You would notice very quickly how little I’ve changed.

There are some really good ones in there too. I forgot to mark the pages on the ones that I wanted to post so I’ll have to go back and do that but the other day I found one from when I was like 11 years old and I was saying something along the lines of, “If I want to be a writer when I get older I’m going to have to write a lot more.”

Wait, I have to show you.

4/23/2012

I almost cried when I read this. Can we also just please note that I was 11 here?

I definitely didn’t like Hunter btw, 11-year-old me just thought that title was catchy.

I can’t take any credit for the title of this blog post though because it’s a Franz Kafka quote.

It’s almost like you can instantly feel what she was feeling when she wrote it.

We all want meaning. We want to have a reason for being. We want to find our bird.

I guess it also just really resonates with how I’m feeling at the moment. The future is so uncertain still.

I know I’m only 22, but still, how is it that 11-year-old me knew exactly what she was doing?

How is it that my 11-year-old self would be better at all of this than me?

She was more creative.

She was more thoughtful.

She knew what she was doing.

Even when it comes to pictures and videos I think younger me would be better. I know I have to stop being so hard on myself though.

I started this blog in 2019 and now it feels like I’ve been training for the past four years. Oh, that’s something else. I just found my acceptance letter from FIT…

Guess what day it is dated? May 24th, 2019.

Guess what day I’m graduating. May 24th, 2023.

The universe knows I like things nice and organized, but yeah… that is a little crazy to me.

Back to the whole bird thing though. It’s not that I feel empty inside or anything (like the quote is hinting at), it’s just that I don’t feel very purposeful.

Well, it’s not that I don’t feel purposeful, just that I want it all to make more sense.

Not that it doesn’t already make sense, ugh… I just want to find my bird.

Sometimes, I don’t even know what that means for myself.

When Lana said, “I’m doing the hard stuff, I’m doing my time”, I felt that.

I wrote the quote in my journal like 4 months ago when I was going through an “English literature / classic novel reading phase”. Now I have four, yes four, very large stacks of books in my room that I don’t have time to read… (that’s a lie, I’m just being lazy).

It was during this time that my entire TikTok ‘for you’ page was filled with those sad photo dumps that had depressing music in the back.

And well, a lot of those quotes were usually by Franz Kafka.

I actually posted my own version of this trend and it’s one of the very few videos that got over 300k views, lol. I’ll show you.

This is from the TikTok I posted. Click the link to watch it!

As you can see I was also feeling very philosophical at the time.

Most of the books I ended up buying were about manifestation and the law of attraction. I also have to add that this was around the same time that I started going on walks every day and listening to Abraham Hicks.

I was going to the library a lot then too and I remember I actually finished reading an entire 250-page book in like 2 days.

It was called “Ask & It Is Given” by Abraham Hicks.

I had my ‘sad TikTok quote era’ which was directly followed by my ‘podcast, books, and walks era.’

Now I would confidently say we are in the ‘graduation era’ with the last day of this era being May 24th.

Can you tell I’ve been watching Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour a tad bit too much?

I’m graduating college in like 3 weeks but I feel like it’s just back to square one.

I’m sure a lot of people have probably felt the same though.

I always knew that I would be class of 2023, I just didn’t expect it to come so soon.

I’m not sure what I expected to be honest.

I should blame myself though because when I was in high school, I used to pray that I would get into FIT and I would basically be like…

“God, please just do this for me, and I will handle the rest, promise.”

I guess it’s time to handle the rest.

Time to find my bird.

Something that really has been getting me lately though is that I feel like I used to have it, my bird.

It used to be with me. When I was a kid & when I wrote in my journal every night just for fun. I’m talking like 5 or 6, maybe even younger.

As far back as I can remember, I always felt like I was here for a reason. Really, that we were all here for a reason. I do think that everyone has one. A bird that is.

Even though I know that sounds drastic and overly philosophical, I truly believe it.

It’s that one thing that brings you pure joy, that one thing that makes you feel alive, and it is so worth searching for. Especially if you’re like me.

The type of person that feels like they used to have a bird, but over time you know, left the cage open a little too often and let her get away.

Or maybe, you’re the one whose bird is circling overhead and the only thing standing between the two of you is the fact that you haven’t even opened the cage.

The thing about searching for your bird is that it’s not always easy. It’s not a one-time thing either, I think it’s a never-ending journey. Unfortunately, some people spend their whole life without their bird. Unfortunately, some people never even look.

The people you decide to surround yourself with really have an impact on your life, whether you like it or not.

If we are making this about birds though, it’s like I’ve been looking for a very specific bird species, with binoculars, running barefoot, through the jungle.

DRaMatiC. I know.

A bird species that I heard was out there but had only ever seen on TV.

I’ve read about it in books, heard stories about it from others, and even dreamed about it, but I’ve never actually experienced it for myself.

But you know what? That doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. It just means that I need to keep searching. And the longer I search, the more I learn about myself and the world around me.

Maybe my bird is something I’ve never even considered before. Maybe it’s something that scares me, challenges me, or pushes me out of my comfort zone.

It’s not just about mine though because as I look around, I realize that everyone is doing the same thing.

Who knows, maybe our bird is not what we expected it to be. Maybe it's hiding in plain sight, waiting for us to notice it.

Or maybe it's waiting for us in the most unexpected of places, praying we take a chance and explore a different path. But one thing is for sure, I won’t stop searching until I find it.

Ironically the first thing that comes to mind is “the more I search, the less I find”.

Almost like the harder I push against the things I want, the more difficult it becomes to attain them. Whereas the second the stop to breathe and just appreciate what is around me, my bird starts to sing a little and it’s easier for me to look for her.

I have a really good analogy for this.

Picture your mind as a body of water. When your mind is still, you could throw the tiniest of pebbles into it and that pebble would send ripples across your mind. When your mind is turbulent, like the ocean in a storm, you could throw the entire empire state building into it and you wouldn’t notice a thing.

I need to quiet my mind. But doing so is a whole nother story.

I know eventually I am going to find it I guess I’m just impatient. I want to make the most of my time, and we are only young once. I don’t want to wait another 10 years before life starts getting good. I don’t think anything is bad right now, I guess what I really mean is I want freedom as soon as possible.

Freedom meaning, the ability to live life on your own terms, to pursue your passions and dreams without any limitations or restrictions.

And I understand what wanting that feeling is like, all too well.

But here’s the thing, freedom doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to wait until everything in your life is perfect. It’s not about having all the answers or achieving all your goals before you can start living your life to the fullest.

It’s about embracing the journey and taking steps toward the life you want to live, even if those steps are small.

So, start taking action towards your goals, even if it’s just a small step each day. Surround yourself with people who support and encourage you, and who share your passion and vision for the future. And most importantly, don’t forget to enjoy the present moment and all the small victories along the way.

Life is a journey, not a destination, and it’s important to savor every moment of it. So, keep searching for your bird, keep striving for your dreams, and don’t be afraid to take risks and make mistakes along the way. Because at the end of the day, it’s those experiences that shape us and help us become the person we are meant to be.

You know that sense of being stuck in a rut, unsure of where to go next, and feeling like there's something missing. It can be frustrating and overwhelming, but it's important to remember that it's a normal part of the human experience.

Sometimes, we just need to take a step back and reevaluate our priorities, our values, and our goals. We need to ask ourselves what truly matters to us and what we want to achieve in life. And while it may not always be easy to find the answers, it's important to keep searching.

We may not always know where we're going or what we're meant to do, but that's okay. Life is a journey, and the beauty of it lies in the unknown. So, keep exploring, keep taking risks, and don't be afraid to try new things.

I never wanted this to come off as depressing or some kind of reminder that you need to go out and do all of this searching before you can really feel satisfied or fulfilled.

I can see how it can give that vibe because it’s a sadder quote than the usual “toxic positivity” that we usually see.

I know it can sound exhausting but I think we are always looking, for our entire lives. And the second you find it, it’s a matter of learning how to play with it in a way where it doesn’t feel like work.

Do you know how people always say that the journey is the real destination?

It ain’t about how fast I get there, ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side.

It’s the climb.

So if you’re climbing right now, your bird is a lot closer than you may think.

Keep searching.

And I can promise you one thing, you won’t find it.

It will find you.