A Bubble

It took me a long time to realize that for some people, high school sort of feels like a bubble that you’ll be trapped in forever. For others, it could feel like the best and worst years of their lives all at the same time. Everyone’s experience is different, some good some bad some mediocre.

For me, I wish someone would have told me that it was all going to be okay eventually because for so long, that idea seemed impossible.

I got stuck in this mindset where I believed life was simply never going to change. When things were actually going well and I was happy, I felt like I was just waiting for it all to come crashing down. I don’t blame myself either because it always did, like clockwork.

Happiness felt like walking on eggshells or like I could never fully let myself be there because I was waiting for what was about to happen next.

I’ve come a long way since then. Ever since I went to college that mindset kind of dissipated and I realized that although those years were difficult I couldn’t let them define ‘future me’.

Allow me to set the scene for you. I was both a good student and a bad student all mixed into one. I did get good grades and I was always in honors classes which is why when the time came, I asked my guidance counselor to set me up to graduate early. I had ‘late arrival’ and ‘early dismissal’ and honestly, I’m surprised they actually let me graduate when I did considering how many absences I had.

Just picture me in baggy sweats, an oversized sweatshirt, headphones in, and my hoodie up.

Now, my choice of attire in high school was never actually by choice. I wished I had the money to buy what my friends did, but I didn’t. I honestly believe this is why I grew to love the fashion industry so much. An outfit can turn your whole mood around and let you become whoever you want to be.

I spent all of middle school just trying to fit in with everybody else. I needed the uggs and the Northface jacket. The Vera Bradley bags and PINK sweatshirts. I felt like I had to fit myself into this mold so that people would like me.

High school was a little different.

I didn’t want to be accepted anymore, I wanted to be left alone. I wanted to disappear. I hated how everyone would gossip or have their opinions about every little thing that someone did. It got to the point where people would come up to me and say “hey omg guess what happened… but don’t tell anyone I told you…” and I would immediately be like “nope… I don’t want to know.” If I wasn’t supposed to know something, I didn’t want to. It would only cause more drama and gossip at the end of the day, although that was pretty much inevitable.

I think what I’m slowly coming to terms with is that high school gave me major trust issues. There were some friend betrayals, probably more than some. There was a LOT of boyfriend drama (but that’s a story for another day).

I had best friends that I loved more than anything in the world. They were my second family and in so many ways, each and every one of them saved me. I don’t know what I would have done without them. Back then, we used to joke around and say that our friendship and high school years were like seasons of a TV show. In 2019, the very last year of high school, a lot changed quickly. I guess sometimes you will never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory.

I hung out with my school’s so-called “popular kids”. I never felt like I belong there but somehow, that’s where I ended up. I didn’t have the money that they did. I didn’t have the same mindset that they did.

I was the first person out of all my friends to ever get a job. I worked at Carvel and I remember it all like it was just yesterday. In reality, it’s been almost 6 years. Woah. It feels weird even just saying that.

I wanted to disappear. Not in a bad way or anything, I just didn’t want anyone to have an opinion of me anymore. I think the hardest part of it all was that I felt like no one could relate to what I was going through. I know I’m wrong in saying that, but that’s what it felt like at the time. I never felt like I belonged anywhere.

I was never into small talk or gossip, but that’s what everyone else did. So even if someone could relate, I would have never known because they would have never told me. But I also never told anyone how I truly felt so I can’t be mad about that. I guess I didn’t see the point in it. I thought even if I did open up to someone about something serious there would always be a chance that they would tell someone else, which sadly was probably true.

For the entirety of the 6 hours that I would be at school, I was listening to Eminem. Most of the time I would spend class sitting in the back of the room reading the lyrics to his songs. They were the only thing I felt like I could relate to. Just go listen to the song Legacy, you’ll get it.

Lately, with every birthday that passes, I feel like I’m running out of time. Although I never felt that way back then. Back then I had it all figured out, at least I thought I did. I thought I knew everything. When I graduated early I was so sure that school couldn’t teach me anything I didn’t already know.

I really believe that if you’re going through something hard, it’s because you’re strong enough for it. Forget about high school, I’m talking about anything in life. If your situation is difficult, you’re just going to come out stronger.

And I promise you will always come out of it.

Nothing lasts forever unless you want it to. You get to decide your future and nothing that has happened in the past can get in the way of what you decide. Unless you decide to let it get in the way. You decide your future, and you can look at that as scary and intimidating, or as the best cards that life has ever dealt you.

Honestly, if I could go back I wouldn't change a damn thing. I’m afraid if I did, I wouldn't be the same person I am today. Nothing that you go through is a mistake. You are meant for every moment in your life, so take it all in.

To live is to risk it all.

So live.

If you never go through anything hard, what are you supposed to tell your kids when they get their hearts broken or are going through struggles.

I wish someone would have told me that a long time ago. I was always hopeful about the future but doubtful at the same time.

In my opinion, the quickest way to “success” (whatever that may mean to you) is by making as many mistakes as you can as soon as possible. No one ever learned anything from succeeding because you only learn from mistakes.

So, not to spoil the ending or anything, but everything is going to be okay.

Promise.